posted by schemer at 11:43 AM
Monday, March 14, 2005
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ABOUT SCHEMES AND GUIDELINES FOR SUBMISSION
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15 Comments:
Hey Richard,
Thanks for your comment on my poem - thought I'd return the favour!
This poem is really cool and bizarre. I've only read it once so I haven't really got into the meanings of it all, but I liked the atmosphere. I also really liked the conrete and succinct language you used at the beginning and end of the journey - I might want you continue that throughout, but then I think the contrast in the types of language (i.e. more abstract) is important. Perhaps heighten the contrasts?
Hey Jacqui, thanks for taking the time to read it. The main theme was myth vs reality. I wanted to make the contrast as painless as possible. Often myth and reality are so intertwined it is hard to differentiate between them. Even with the more concise sounding parts, they are still unrealistic. Like a mother dying because her son didn't have dinner with her.
Perhaps I should have more 'hisorical' aspects, maybe newspaper headlines? or footnotes? I would like to know if you think this would maybe make the poem clearer.
Hey Jacqui, thanks for taking the time to read it. The main theme was myth vs reality. I wanted to make the contrast as painless as possible. Often myth and reality are so intertwined it is hard to differentiate between them. Even with the more concise sounding parts, they are still unrealistic. Like a mother dying because her son didn't have dinner with her.
Perhaps I should have more 'hisorical' aspects, maybe newspaper headlines? or footnotes? I would like to know if you think this would maybe make the poem clearer.
richard.
the poem has a nice feel to it; a kind of plodding, nihilistic rhythm. the protagonist's flat tone throughout ("she died... not long thereafter") seems to grope towards a meaning of some sort (a kind of bored existentialist dread or melancholy) but to my mind left the poem as a whole feeling a bit hollow. he reported feeding his fish and having a semi-violent altercation with a foreign tribe in the same monotonous tone. this technique was presumably supposed to illustrate something about his personality or his relation to the world around him, but i found it hard to get into. i would have found it more interesting if he'd been more emotional (either through dialogue or the first person perspective)... but perhaps you have your reasons.
overall i thought the language was well used (more ambitious than other people on here seem to be) and the word play (puns mostly) were well placed so as to avoid being too punch-liney.
a few small technical points perhaps need work (the seemingly arbitrary linebreaks occasionally and the use of lyonnese (spelt lyonesse) confused me - was it meant as a noun or an adjective?... perhaps that reference was over my head)... but the allusions to myth generally worked well.
with reference to your newspaper idea, that would certainly place the middle section more definitely in its context and footnotes (especially for any stray references) would have helped me a lot.
anyway i'm going on and on.
i hope this was some help and if you find yourself exasperated by anything i've said feel free (of course) to completely ignore it.
all the best
I have to admit I'm a little uncomfortable with the tone being used in some of the responses- to the best of my knowledge, none of you are creative writing tutors. I know I'm not.
Matt, you claim that language is being used unambitiously in the work that has been posted to date. How do you qualify this criticism- your own piece was fairly violent in its tone, but certainly nothing new. Re-inventing the wheel is a slow process.
Next: Lyonesse is, to the best of my recollection, one of those places that turned up in Malory when I was reading it a few years back. It has an Arthurian connotation. Also, as regards "language", it strikes me as a word with what I think Bachelard would spear as "resonance".
Interested to know why everything needs to be explained. Why should we footnote all our references- I have to say I'm with Auden on this one, choosing obscurity every time. There was a very specific reason Eliot footnoted his "Waste Land", though I forget the intricacies of the story.
To Richard: "myth and reality are so intertwined it is hard to differentiate between them". I'd set the red pen to work on this statement- I reckon you need to think about what you mean by this. I think I can see your version of a modernist credo in your poem (I thought of Gauguin) but you really need to kick it around, question that dictat rather than swallow it whole.
Cheers,
Joe
joe!
apologies for my tone.
like i said in my comment, i'm always conscious of sounding sarcastic/disingenuous/patronising/aggressive (at least textually - i dont seem to have so much trouble face to face). this is, i suppose, a criticism in itself...(of myself)...that i should pay more attention to my tone when i'm writing.
you mentioned that my comment in reply to richard's under my piece was personal... and, reading back, i can understand why you thought that...although i only really meant it to be enthusiastic (the direct textual references being an indication that i HAD in fact read richard's piece).
like i said, i'll work on my tone - it wasn't my intention to piss anyone off...
i was just trying to cut straight to the honest criticism... which was, in retrospect, vaguely undiplomatic of me.
thanks (sincerely!) for the malory lesson... and feel free to aggressively dissect my violent god thing.
ok
that's everything, i think.
No worries Matt, I get your point. I won't aggressively dissect anything though- I'm quite passive about these things and generally prefer to be constructive.
Happy Easter- is that a standard greeting (atheism/agnosticism notwithstanding)?
Jx
Hi Richard - 3/4 month response time - not bad? (Sorry.) Have reread the poem and I like it even more now. I especially liked the laughing at the end - sort of like laughing because you can't understand things so just laugh?...
As for newspaper headings or footnotes, I think you don't really need footnotes because (although I may well be missing them entirely) you don't seem to have too many obscure references, and I tend to only really want them when it's in another language. Newspaper headings, um, they might be good to heighten the conteast, and also (you could put them in a different font maybe, or as if pasted in) might add a good visual element. I don't think they're essential though. Maybe try it and see.
cheers jacqui, I will consider your comments when I redraft the poem.
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hi richard didnt think your poem was that good dont quit your day job
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